It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
