You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
