do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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