We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
