i can't believe i had my finger in that
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
