Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you had me at cake vodka
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
