omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
