Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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