Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
