hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
