oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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