I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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