He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
