Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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