You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
