I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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