i already hear my dad disowning me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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