Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
