dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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