do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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