I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
