Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
