APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
