you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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