Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
