I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
