omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
