I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
