Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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