when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
