im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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