I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
