matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We're too hungover to prance.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
