Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
