jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
