all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
