By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
