Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
