We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
