I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Welp...herpes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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