So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
