The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You pole danced in your parka.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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