My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
