Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
