This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
