Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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