you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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