he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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