you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
