I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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