We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
